The Silent Struggles of A Stay-at-Home Mom: Battling Loneliness and Depression
I remember it clearly— the day my husband suggested I stay home full-time with our baby. The idea felt like an absolute dream.
Eight months pregnant with our first child, I'd been feeling emotional about the measly six weeks of maternity leave I would have with my newborn daughter before returning to work. So, when my husband was offered a new job that allowed me to stay home full-time, I jumped at the opportunity.
Not many parents get the chance to spend 24 hours a day at home bonding with, caring for, and loving their babies.
There was no doubt in my mind that it was the best choice—I never gave it a second thought. I knew I wanted to stay home full-time with my baby, but I never imagined I'd later struggle with the decision.
Before I tell you why I have struggled with being a stay-at-home mom, you should know that it has also been the best decision I ever made.
I love being the one who cares for my children all day long. Words cannot describe how peaceful it is to always know they are in the absolute best care because I'm the one providing it. Personally hand-picking the lessons they learn each day is more than fulfilling. And most of all, I love that when they need a hug, I'm always there to provide it.
But I wish someone had warned me about the most challenging parts of being a stay-at-home mother because I went into this journey unprepared.
No one told me about…
The Loneliness
You may be wondering, how can you be lonely while spending every second of the day with your children?
But that's the thing…I wasn't alone; I was lonely. There's a difference. Let me tell you, no one is meant to spend every second of the day with only children and babies.
The lack of adult interaction while being a stay-at-home mom is completely isolating.
Throughout the day, I'd make a mental list of all the adult thoughts I'd had but couldn't share. And I'd get so excited when my husband was on his way home—not just because I missed him (which I did) but because I couldn't wait to have someone to talk to—specifically, an adult to talk to.
And then my husband would get home tired from talking to customers, and I would have to fight the urge to unload every single tiny adult thought that sat around in my brain all day.
Because in those moments, we needed two different things.
The Overstimulation
Toys everywhere. Laughing and yelling and crying. Tiny humans that want to be held and interacted with constantly.
My sensory input is always maxed out. It's overwhelming.
I truly didn't understand what overstimulation felt like before I had kids. What's worse is that when you're home alone with your children throughout the day, there's no one to step in for you when you need to tap out.
It took me a while to realize that most of my less-than-awesome parenting moments came when I was overwhelmed and overstimulated. In those moments, it's hard to be the calm, understanding parent I always aim to be.
Until I became a stay-at-home mom, I had never faced a situation where I couldn't step away when I needed a second to breathe, think, or take a moment of silence.
It's exhausting to be needed by someone every second of the day.
The Cabin Fever
Don't get me started on trying to leave the house as a stay-at-home mom. Most of the time, it's just easier not to.
First of all, the younger the kid, the bigger the bag full of crap you have to bring every time you leave the house. Loading up the diaper bag to go somewhere is a 15-minute task in and of itself.
Not to mention how hard it is to align outings with nap time. And skipping or missing a nap? The following tantrum just isn't worth it.
Then there's loading and unloading the kids at every stop. So many seatbelt buckles and doors to open and close (without denting the car next to us!)
But the one thing that I don't often hear about is the immense mental effort necessary to keep your children safe in public settings.
I'm talking about grabbing hands to cross the street, scanning for cars, and walking quickly. Or trying to keep a laser focus on your child at a park when there are millions of kids running around (because we all know what happens when you look away for a second too long).
I can't tell you the number of times I've decided to just keep my kids home to avoid the mental load of all these things. But staying home 95% of your days starts to feel isolating and depressing.
Sometimes, I had to go somewhere, anywhere, to feel better.
The Lack of Achievement
This one snuck up on me, and I didn't really struggle with it until I was a year or two into being a stay-at-home mom.
It's difficult to realize you have no accomplishments outside of being a mother.
As a mom, I'd accomplish things regularly: teaching my kiddo to go potty or getting them to try a new food. And the feelings I'd have after accomplishing these things were always rewarding because I knew they were for my children, and that meant the world to me.
But eventually it started to wear on me that there were no accomplishments of my own to strive for. Or if there were, they were few and far between.
No performance goals at work to attain, no time to learn new hobbies and no mental energy left for self-care or personal achievement.
It felt like I gave 100% of my energy to my children every day, and when that happens, it's hard to cope with the loss of your own goals and accomplishments as a person.
The Loss of My Sense of Self
At my lowest point as a stay-at-home mom, I felt like I had lost myself.
I just realized one day that I had no sense of me anymore— I was just "mom." And don't get me wrong, being a mom is great. It's one of the most rewarding things I've done in my life, but it isn't everything.
I've spent years trying to find myself again, and if you were to ask me who I am now, I wouldn't tell you I'm just a mom.
I'm also me— a writer, a bookworm, lover of coffee, travel, comedy, reality TV, and romantic movies. I'm artistic and silly and spontaneous.
…and I am also a mom.
And they are all equally a part of who I am. They are equally essential to give time and attention to.
As hard as it's been being a stay-at-home mom, if I were given the choice to go back and do it differently, I wouldn't.
They say you can't pour from an empty cup, but honestly, being a mom is continuing to pour from your cup until it's empty and then pouring some more.
It's putting those precious children first each and every day. It's exhausting, draining, and hard. And I'd do it time and time again for them.
But I found happiness when I started to prioritize myself again, too.
Because yes, I'm "mom," but I'm also me.
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