How to Stop Your Child’s Temper Tantrums: 3 Proven Strategies for Calming the Storm
Did you know children under 4 can have tantrums up to 9 times a week?!
Picture this. You’re strolling through the aisles of a grocery store with your child in tow. You’ve been there for 10 minutes or so when they ask for you to buy them something (for the millionth time). “Maybe next time,” you tell your child and continue on shopping.
Except, they don’t. They stop right there in the middle of the aisle and begin whining. Whining quickly turns to screaming. And before you know it, your child is throwing a giant tantrum right there in the middle of a busy grocery store.
Immediately, you feel flustered. Your child continues to cry despite your urgent whispers to please not do this in the middle of the grocery store. Although it’s common knowledge that children cry sometimes, you can feel the judgmental stares of passing bystanders.
And at that moment all you want to do is walk right out of that store and pretend you don’t even know the tiny little enraged human standing in front of you.
How do I know exactly how this feels?
Because I have been this mom so many times. Honestly? Nearly all of us have.
It’s no secret that children are like tiny little bombs waiting to explode some days. At any given moment the slightest inconvenience can send them into a full-blown tantrum. But their meltdowns don’t always happen in the privacy of our homes or at convenient times.
When disaster strikes with your little one, you do not have to feel alone. I have found that being prepared ahead of time can make all the difference in these situations. I want to give you tips that I use myself to get through the most difficult tantrums like a pro.
Control Your Emotions
When a tantrum begins (especially when it’s over something irrational), it’s natural to feel flustered or angry yourself but try not to.
You may not have a lot of control over what your child does in these situations, but the one thing you do have control over is your reaction.
Trust me when I say, your child mirrors you. It can be tempting to react with anger, but it rarely helps the situation. In my experience, it tends to make things worse.
Imagine someone trying to calm you down when they’re angry themselves!
Start by modeling a calm demeanor. Take a moment to gather your thoughts and emotions. Not only will this allow you to focus your thoughts during the exchange, but you’re likely to have an easier time reasoning with your child.
Teach Your Child Self-Soothing Techniques
I don’t know about you. But in my experience, there is absolutely no chance of reasoning with my kids while they’re upset. Once I figured this out and started taking steps to get them calm before reasoning with them, I started to make some headway.
Let me tell you a secret. Children do not naturally know how to self-soothe. They need to be taught.
And self-soothing skills are not just for kids. Think about it. As an adult, you probably know exactly what to do when your emotions get heightened. Maybe your go-to self-soothing technique is going for a walk, taking a nap, or reading a good book.
The idea of taking action to keep your emotions in check is second nature for you now, but you didn’t just wake up one day knowing how to calm yourself down. You were taught too, or maybe you taught yourself. Truthfully, there are still many adults who don’t know how to self-soothe or regulate their emotions.
It’s an important lesson to learn and it’s not too late to start with your child. Sure, this skill will help them through their grocery store tantrum. But it’s also going to be a valuable tool they carry with them throughout their life and into adulthood.
These techniques are effective and easy to teach, but they need to be implemented and practiced regularly. Eventually, and with time and guidance, your child will know how to use these skills in the heat of a tantrum.
Some self-regulating techniques to teach your child include:
Counting: This is a great way to give your child something other than the problem to focus on.
Taking Deep Breaths (My family loves to call them dragon-breaths!): Breathing has long had a positive effect on managing stress.
Giving a Hug: Loving touch is a great way to help your overwhelmed child feel comforted and understood during any difficult moment.
Taking a Time-Out: Removing your child from the upsetting environment can have a huge impact on their ability to calm themselves.
Talk Out Big Feelings
You’ve taken the deep breaths or given a hug. Now what?
Your child may have calmed down but the ordeal isn’t necessarily over. The point stands: They still want the toy and you’re still not going to get it for them.
Your child will likely need help understanding what just happened. You may be thinking, “It’s obvious! My kid didn’t get what they wanted so they threw a fit.” But it might not be so obvious to your child.
Here are some steps to use when figuring out how to talk to your child about their big feelings.
Pinpoint the emotion. Start by putting yourself in their shoes. You can ask your child what emotion they’re feeling. If they don’t know, it may be helpful to offer options. Speak to them in simple, plain language.
“It seems like you have some big feelings right now. Are you feeling upset that I wouldn’t let you get the toy?”
Validate Their Feelings. Your decision to not get your child the toy was valid, but so are their feelings.
“I understand how frustrating it can be to want something really bad and for me to tell you that you can’t get it.”
Compromise or Offer an Alternate Option
“I know you really want this toy. How about I take a picture of it and add it to your birthday wishlist. Then next time I am ready to buy you something, I will remember how special this toy is to you.”
At this moment, you’re still not buying the toy for your child, which is a win for you. Great job standing your ground.
But hopefully, this also feels like a win for your little one. After all, now you understand their stance, their emotions, and how absolutely awesome that toy is.
Any Good Thing Takes Practice
You’ve both probably learned a bit about your child’s emotions through this process. Furthermore, you have skillfully guided your child through the process of self-soothing. And hopefully, you were able to offer a solution your child was content with.
Now all that’s left is to put these tools into practice. I hope next time your child has a meltdown, you feel equipped to handle it like a pro!
Tell me your favorite technique for calming your child down, in the comments!